ARROW ROOTS FROM THE RIVERSIDE

There is no sweeter innocence than utter ignorance of a dominant weakness. I have not written anything in a very long it. Don’t get me wrong, I am very expressive. I knew for days on end, decades really, that ink and paper would are my solace, my martyr, my ultimate form of expression for words, symbols and thoughts that I could never find another being to tell to. I am very philosophical, I hate (read loathe, disgusted by) by shallow, easy thought-out and carelessly scribbled ideas. I am a thinker. I am particular. I dwell on understanding intricate details of complex patterns. I wake up every day to discover an idea worth adventuring. (Ideas are my form of adventures.). However, I have a problem. I want to tell you about it. Come with me, if you are looking to understand the beauty and baggage of a thinker- a female African girl- a sick girl (finally I get the guts to say it.)
I am sick, okay. I am not terminally ill and worried of my time here… I am here to stay. I am not coughing contagiously and persistently. I am not about to shave my head bald for chemo. I would barely get bothered by any of those. Physical strength has never been of much importance to me- speaking nonetheless out of naivety of conditions that devour deserving humans a gift as potent as physical stress. My disorder pinches where it hurts most. My brain. You see its one thing to diagnose me of physical illness but it’s another to diagnose me of mental illness. Goddammit! I am not mad!
Depression and anxiety does not happen to Africans. We are strong, right? Don’t we eat arrowroot and sweet potatoes? Does a person who eats sweet potatoes, from the red, loamy, African soil suffer from depression? I mean… Come on. Depression looks like a disease meant for rich housewives living in an overpriced suburbs of California, looking for reality shows to star on and cat fight in- but here it is; with me- a girl who just wants to think. No pun intended to the Kardashian franchise.
I was diagnosed with high functioning depression earlier last week. They gave me Prozac. I am sick, you know-so they kind of give me medicine. What troubles me is this. The universe gives me a gem-my brain. To be honest with you, all I can do of considerable value to humanity is think. I can’t run. I can’t box. Heck! I don’t wanna do that! I wanna read, I wanna write, and I wanna scribble ideas, fight for ideals that set my heart on fire. It’s a life mission I accepted before I could even choose it.
Depression is a beast. It makes me tremble when I think of something. My first resolution after an idea crosses my mind is to dissolve it, forget about it; it’s not worth it anyway- it sucks before it is even heard in my mind… “Just smoke a cigarette…” a voice in my head says. I obey it religiously. Depression blends paranoia with vocal feels of anxiety, terror- a perpetual nightmare. It’s like a gift that keeps on giving. Every breathe welcomes a sensation more daunting than the previous. “Go on! I got the feeling that the worst is yet to come. Dive into the abyss. You are a constellation of thoughtless. You are having a dialogue about nothingness. Nothingness will win…” It says. I believe. In all fairness to depression, I did not hate the feeling. That was all I felt, really. I just wanted one thing-company in my depression…. That was not hard to find, try Goethe, Nietzsche or Christopher Hitchens. It’s like their genius sprang from a demon (as Goethe says it) that had to be learnt to be tamed. He was right. My demon was depression. I had to learn how to tame it. I had to stand up and seek help. Ask! Try! Cry! When it’s all said and done breathe.
I text my mom. I tell her about it. I am serious. I am telling her, knowing how sarcastic and relentless she can be. She won’t like the message. My mother would probably go in and about ranting about the misery of raising eight kids single handedly in Africa. In poverty only Africa knows. She would tell me to bury my sorrows in Christianity. The Bible heals, I assume she would say. She would probably think my depression is a curse from God because I left a religion that I believe has dehumanized and disenfranchised at least half of the human race_ women. I take the leap of faith. “She has to know!” “She has to know” I mumble.
I text. “Doc says I am depressed. I am on anti-depressants.”
She replies.
“Doc says I have obsessive compulsive disorder. We are in this together.”
I did not know people who eat arrowroots, straight out of a riverbank of a stream flowing from the mighty mountain suffer from depression too.
I think. I believe. I question. Yes… I live in Kenya. I am poor in material things but rich in my mental faculties. I am sick too. Mentally sick. Our greatest treasures are sometimes put through tests to test their real value.
My mom and my brain will conquer.
-E.M.-

UNDERSTANDING THE SIDE CHQ….

This is gon to be a very long article…

When thinking of a Side Chick, Mistress, the first thought that comes to mind is usually, home wrecker, slut, whore, or some other offensive term to describe this immoral woman who uses her feminine trickery to attract and dominate the attention of a married or an otherwise involved man or woman. That’s the easiest way to justify the actions of these women. Unfortunately, this only describes a small part of this demographic, and at best just ends up being a defense mechanism used by women who fear falling victim to these predators.
To understand the Side Chick, one must first understand what makes a man want to have a woman on the side in the first place. You see, there can be no mistress, without a man that is open to having one. It is your job, as a woman who only desires to be the “Main Chick” or wife, not to get involved with a man/woman who is capable of having a Side Chick.
I’m actually surprised Google has such posts on side chicks. So maybe probably it ain’t such a bad thing after all. I know some of you will go for prayer and fasting after reading this article and ask God “anionekanie” because probably I’m a lost sheep and needs redemption. What you don’t know is that this article is not about me. It’s about you love. Yes you. The one who removes specks in someone’s eye yet you have a log in your own. Leave alone a log, a whole forest.
Though if hell had stages of fire, for example, 2nd floor having less heat than ground floor, then probably these side chicks would have considered not being ‘home wreckers’ like you call them, but the fire burning in hell, is the same, whether you coveted your neighbor’s property, or stole 5 shillings from your mothers purse, honey, you and side chicks are all the same. No sin is bigger or smaller than the other.
Here is my take on side chicks.
“I have never been a side chick before, so how am I to know the good and the bad sides of being one. I’m too cute to be a side chic…” B** please, 100% of you ladies have been side chicks once in your life time, and if you never realized, probably the ex, or the current is really good at his/her game. A few years ago I fell deeply in love with someone I probably thought would be my soul mate. And after the very many months we dated, I knew I wasn’t the only one. So since I knew my ‘co-wife’s’ first name, my ex, decided to save her side chick with her middle name so that whenever she called or texted, I’d never suspect anything…What am I trying to say? Our men/women with side chicks are damn smart, owe unto you if you did not go to psychology class or have a sixth sense.
In another life, I’d choose to be a side chick for better part of my sexually active years. While it may seem horrible since his/her attention is not only on you, it actually really isn’t as bad as you think. You get to have all the good benefits about the relationships while leaving all of the negatives for him and his main chick. Now this is what we call a stress free life. I mean why should my landlord, M-shwari loan, family, stress me out then again have someone else’s grown child give me sleepless nights…Clearly! I’d die before I reach 35.
Being a side chick should boost your ego since the man/woman is willing to risk his marriage or relationship to be with you. Ha-ha!! This is the best part. Boosting your ego, boosts your esteem and with this, my friend, you can conquer the world. Plus have you ever asked yourself why the side chick is always in a man’s life even after his main relationship is over and when he gets to a new relationship, the side is always on his side?? Food for thought!

You never have to deal with the fights and arguments that normally happen in a relationship. Save the drama for your baby momma. Personally, I hate fights coz I don’t know how to defend myself, so I always end up throwing in the towel, so what’s the need of ruining myself that much….Not worth it..
You get to have sex with no strings attached. As long as the side chick doesn’t know what ‘dry spell’ is, then life is good. Before you become a side chick, ensure the man/woman is pretty good in bed to save time and his/her pride. That man should not go out cheating and embarrass her girlfriend.
You don’t ever have to chase him, he comes for you. You all agree, begging someone and hitting on them is the hardest task one has to go through. Give this human the best you got so that he will always come running back to you whether he/she wants it or not. Become his addiction! Become his drug! Works every time.

As much as being a side chick is fun and all, the funny part is that you don’t often realize how badly it f*cks with you until you’ve broken up with the guy/chick. Even if you think you can deal with being a side chick, you will find yourself feeling increasingly depressed about it

The main side chick rule: NEVER EVER FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE’S PROPERTY! Do not also tell mutual friends about the affair. Friends will pick sides, and because you’re the other woman, they will probably not pick yours.

As I conclude: A woman’s only defense against falling victim to the “Side Chick,” is to be honest with herself about her needs and what she requires to be happy, and those same things in her mate. If you can’t make him happy, don’t waste your time and tears trying. Don’t be afraid to be honest with yourself about your deal breakers, and standing up for them. Recognize whether or not your needs are being met, beyond the fairytale of the matching, promise ring, the house, the puppy you all are ‘dying’ to get…Define your true happiness, and require that your mate fulfills it

Until next time, my fabulosity, kills your curiosity!!!

LIFE OF A PLAYER

Photo credits: @_mckym
Does being a player mean you are being unfaithful? What if you are single…are you being unfaithful to yourself…
I wouldn’t really say that people who are in committed relationships don’t really exist. But how well do you know your partners? If you were to rank yourself in the women she/he has in their lives, what number would you fall under? Like I always tell everyone I have ever dated, don’t give it 100% because you might just fall into a pit of no return.The depression pit.The heartbreak pit.The “never loving again pit”…
So to those who don’t do commitments, How do you have the fun you want without the headache of a relationship? How do you keep things drama-free? How do you know if the girl you have fallen in love with is a player?

This is life of a player…
#Rule 1: Don’t fall in love
Players always and forever leave their hearts at the door. If you fall in love with ‘your people’, you will always feel guilty each time you are with someone else. Why carry all this baggage huh! Players never lose sight of their goal; to have the best sexual experience they can. Nothing more, and nothing less.
#Rule 2: Avoid first timers
With all that ‘talent’, they will fall for you after one night. Players are always up front with their intentions and don’t go for the nice ones. They always look for the ones who are looking for the same thing. You don’t want to hurt people out there who seriously want to have a relationship. That’s not being a player; that’s just cold.
#Rule 3: Keep your phone off and Delete all your messages
You cannot risk to have messages pop up from Bangladesh to Timbuktu of your men/women all wanting some love yet you are on another ones arms. If anything, before you get to your baes place, switch off your phone
#Rule 4: Don’t Keep Him/Her Around for Long
This is the most important tip, and the one I honestly wish someone had told me before I went around having fun.It messes you up.You get addicted to a human being…then what???
#Rule no.5: Chill
Don’t rush or force anything. A player always has another option and others should be aware of this too. If it’s not going down the way you want it to with a lady or a guy, don’t force it. You might run into her next week and be able to pick up from where you left off. If you keep texting the girl to see where she’s at, she’ll lose interest quickly. If you chill out and play hard to get, then she’ll be coming back for more.
#Rule no.6: Own your style.
A true player is always looking, smelling and feeling fresh when he is out and about. Always stand out even if you are going to mama mboga. You might never know who end up falling into.
#Rule no.7: Don’t jump into bed with every person you see
HIV/AIDs and STIs are real people. You may be a player but it’s important to be safe. If you have a reputation for sleeping with every human in town, the humans will stop wanting you after a while. You don’t want to die a hot,loney guy/lady…take a break.Surprise them.

Once a player, Always a player!They never change.
Until next time…

PRETTY BIG BUTTERFLIES

Photographer:@_vladiq

First of all, the most important thing to remember is: If you talk down to yourself about plus size, others will too. Start the morning right: Praise your body every day.
Pretty Big Butterflies is a plus size look book project that was held in 2017 showing the world that plus size ladies are smart gorgeous, glamorous, stylish and can have fun while at it.

I worked with a team of 4 plus size  models including myself and our photographer and it was an amazing experience bring 4 different personalities together  under the street lights of Nairobi. 

Meet the models who are doing extravagant things in our waking life. We are curvy, brainy, beautifully made and deserved nothing less than the best. 

Name: Wilfrida Indra Akello

Occupation: Teacher

Size: 14

Favorite clothe brand: Don’t have any cause I’m more of a pick what I like despite the brand

Inspiration quote: Rock them curves

How would you describe your style: simple and comfortable .

Advice to plus size women: Curves are hot but you need to make sure you look good with them. Learn your unique shape and select styles that flatter your figure best.

What inspires you: My culture, in that, the African culture/tradition embraces thick women and thick women are termed as beautiful.  From that I perceive myself as beautiful.Apart from my culture it’s my family, coming from a family of big bodied individuals really helped me embrace or rather appreciate being a plus size woman.

Social media handle: IG (Frida Indra)

Name:Akinyi Mercyliza

Occupation:Accountant & Finance Analyst

Size:16

Favorite clothe brand: Lacoste,Calvin Klein

Trends you are in love with: I love beauty trends,i follow fashion styles

Inspirational quote: Great self esteem comes from inside and feels hot and wonderful,at the end of the day,we are all trying to feel comfortable in any type of size plus size or not
My style: I choose dress wear anytime. A-line kind of dresses are my number one.My body in a dress reflects a lot of confidence,smile,high standard,authoritative me.

Style is a way to say who you are without having to speak

Advice to plus size women: Tall women want to be shorter,shorter women want to be tall sometimes.Truth is we all have our beauties,imperfections embrace it all.There are things that makes us unique.

What inspires me: Beautiful and smart minds.I want to inspire people,I want someone to look at me and say “because of you,i didnt give up”.I value hope,fulfillment and love

Social media handles..

Facebook’ Mercylizer Mercyliza

IG’ Mercylizer Macilitoh

Name: Ninah Kanyi

Occupation: Accountant

Size: 14

Favorite clothe brand: I am a jack of all trades. I got no favorite brand as long as its neon colors and flaunts my curves,  I’m good to go

Trends you are in love with: Dresses, any day, any time

Inspirational quote to all other plus size out there: why do I have to inspire a big person? Your size, your choice I believe. You are mostly in control of what you are. 

How would you describe your style: Ninalicious what was life without emojis. I love animation and neon colors.

Advice you’d give to plus size women: Do you, be you, love yourself. 

What inspires you: My personal targets. I can be a go getter. 

Social media handles:

Facebook:Ninah Kanyi

Instagram:@ninahkanyi

Name: Christine Olendi
Occupation: Student/ Blogger

Size: 16

Favorite clothe brand: F&F, Anything from Sunshine Boutique

Inspiration quote:   If you struggle with body confidence, you’re not alone, but there’s plenty to be proud of. Our bodies undergo amazing feats of physical engineering every minute of every day that we’re alive. Appreciate the complexities of what’s going on beneath the surface and you’ll be hard-pressed to criticise it!

How would you describe your style: Flashy colors and comfortable

Advice to plus size women:  If you are comfortable with your body, embrace it and be proud of it. If you are not comfortable with it, do something about it. 

What inspires you: Knowing that God created me for a purpose and it is up to me to find that purpose for Him to be proud of me. For I am a new breed, a new kind and I am after my purpose. 

Trends you are in love with: shift dresses. They hide alto

Social media handle:

Facebook: Kristyne Olendi

Instagram: @kristyne_olendiolendi

Until next time, our fabulosity kills your curiosity. 

THE UNTHINKABLE LOSS.

When your best friend dies, what’s your grief? 
Whoever said that loss gets easier with time was a liar. Here’s what really happens: The spaces between the times you miss them grow longer. Then, when you do remember to miss them again, it’s still with a stabbing pain to the heart. And you have guilt. Guilt because it’s been too long since you missed them last.

It is 22:52. I’m a little bit tipsy. Nowadays sleeping with a sober mind is just a nightmare. These lonely nights got me listening to some good music so I find myself on X factor auditions and what catches my eye is this guy who dedicates Jealous by Labrinth to his best friend who passed away a few years ago. 

This is not the first time I’m actually hearing about this kind of story.And sadly, I am a victim. But why now?  Why do I miss you now all over sudden? I wish I could go back to being 9 years old again because maybe if we could have done some things differently, you could still be here with me, seated on the carpet, sipping a drink as we gossip and making prank calls as we fit clothes to wear for girls night out. 

Maybe if I had rushed to see you before you left me, i could have given you your birthday present I had been saving for 2 years then maybe you could have fought harder and you would be here giving me a shoulder to lean on. 

Almost 15 years since I last saw you.  And I cannot forget the white dress you had on when you left us. You were so full of joy, happiness. How beautiful you were, ‘my yellow yellow popo’…  We were too young but we really knew what true friendship was. Leave alone this era when your closest friend is the one who would leak your secrets to the public. You know, come to think of it, this could be the reason I am who I am right now, the heartless ex-girlfriend, ex-best friend. 

You are irreplaceable and if I ever find anyone who is as close as you to explain clearly what really true friendship is, maybe I can turn out to be a better human being. And you will finally be proud of me. 

Forgive me for forgetting to miss you. Its just hard coming into terms with some of the things we go through in life. But since i have made  a promise to myself that I will not let pain and bitterness consume me, then I will talk about the pain I have,  loud and clear and the loss I have had to encounter. And you my best friend, you are the first sad memory I have to leash out. 

People in the real world always say, when something terrible happens, that the sadness and loss and aching pain of the heart will “lessen as time passes,” but it isn’t true. Sorrow and loss are constant, but if we all had to go through our whole lives carrying them the whole time, we wouldn’t be able to stand it. The sadness would paralyze us. So in the end we just pack it into bags and find somewhere to leave it. 
But for you, I am never letting go. 

If you know a friend who has had such a loss, reach out, speak up. Allow her to talk about the pain. Encourage her to share with you. 
And if you are the one who has experienced the loss, don’t be shy. While there is no way to avoid the pain, there is something you can do that is a major step in healing. Talk to others about your friend; share your memories, look back over pictures, tell stories. Tell others what you need. If you don’t, they won’t know how much you hurt, regardless how the friendship ended. And, in the sharing, you may begin to forge a new friendship.. 

FORBIDDEN LOVE

Hey love,
“My heart tells me this is the best and greatest feeling I have ever had. But my mind knows the difference between wanting what you can’t have and wanting what you shouldn’t want. And I shouldn’t want you.”

By the time you are reading this, I will be million miles away…who am I kidding??!@#… I am here my love, waiting on you.
This is me opening my heart to you and the rest of the world because for a second I highly doubt if you really know how I truly feel about you. Pardon me though, this is just an ordinary girl who is madly in love with someone she can’t have yet *wink*.

From the first time I lay my eyes on you, you were everything I have been looking for.You spoke to my soul even before saying a word and that is the kind of chemistry I have been craving for all my life. But then what caught my eyes was the ring on your finger…
The ring that has made us hide from the world and not freely express what we really feel about each other. This love we share. This forbidden fruit. Too sweet, yet too sour. The dates we have to go in the wee hours of the night, just to avoid bumping into either of our friends. The phone calls we have to make secretly and every text we have to delete after we have said our goodbyes. The gifts we receive from each other but have to lie about them. If only…

But then, Forbidden love provides happiness when there is no happiness.

I honestly still don’t know how I have to explain to my mum, sister and best friend how I am in love with someone who is already taken. It is terrifying to love someone who is forbidden to you. Terrifying to feel something you could never speak of, something that is horrible to almost everyone we both know, something that could destroy our lives.

Even though we are never supposed to be together, I can’t be with anyone else, no matter the consequences. This is what you do to me. I think things that I shouldn’t. I dream things that I shouldn’t. I want things that I shouldn’t and it’s all because of one thing; I do care about you. I don’t know how to see you as a friend because every time I look at you, all I see is what I want.

“Love that we cannot have is the one that lasts the longest, hurts the deepest and feels the strongest”-Kay Knudsen. You keep telling me this every time I’m on the verge of giving up. It has never made sense to me until now. And because of that, I am here. I have already seen the bottom, so there’s nothing to fear. Just know that I will be ready when the devil is near. I know all of this is wrong, but I’m still right here waiting on the love of my life.

Yours sincerely,
Your all time addiction.

CELEBRATING MY SIZE

Photographer:@_mcykym

As I’m writing this I’m sitting on the kitchen floor waiting delicacies made by my sister -Osumbuko stew and plain white rice- The love of food I have is irreplaceable.

We mostly celebrate our size when we have worked so hard at the gym…Dieting to an extent greens, sugarless tea and low fat milk become your middle name. Dancing to the beats of aerobics, lifting those weights yet you can lift your burdens that high and waking up at wee hours of the night going for joggs around the estate.

A normal human being would celebrate their size when they have lost some pounds and are now where they want to be healthwise and being fit… And reward themselves by even buying new clothes and stuff. Do you know how i reward myself? Food!!… Pssst I’m glad I ain’t like any normal human being….

For the past month, everyone is singing to me on how I have gained weight. I know most of these people, 99% think if they tell me that, I would wake up the next day with sport shoes on and borrowed gym attires ( I don’t own one coz I don’t think I need them) and go waste my energy and time trying to lose pounds so that I can please them. Just so you know, I’m very very comfortable the way I am… It might not look so because you think loosing weight is all about having a flat tummy, protruded cheek bones, tight ass and no cellulites on your thighs.

To me, loosing weight is when you feel lighter than you were few month ago. Oh i lost a kg in three months… Can i get an Amen!!

I know most plussize women are not comfortable and every time they are told they have gained, insecurities get worse but hey, people never lack anything to say about you. And that’s how you know you are growing Not everyone will tell you how beautiful you have become, so its upon yourself to see everything positively within you and embrace it.

Love yourself so much coz you the only person who can do that.

Last words for this month, In everything you do , put God first, then you follow.

TWO SIDES OF A COIN…

Photo credits: @mckym

This will always be my all time favorite picture. Jumpsuits, rompers etc will always be my favourite. If you don’t have either.. Please, go with God or at least have a dress. Anyway… Jumpsuits, will never disappoint. Unless you need to pee so badly, then you’ll have me to blame… 

You know what i see when i look at me..  I  see a beautiful lady, so confident in herself. A lady who is fearless but deep down is shaken. Shaken by a million and one things. I see a lady who loves black… Just as dark as her heart or rather soul is. But at least she can afford a smile… A fake smile but at least its a smile. You know, once in her lifetime, she loved. She loved. She cared …but of course you can’t see all that. All you can talk and focus on are the negatives… Humans though!! 

Life happened and she became what she became… And then, she saw the light one last time, maybe she could be someone’s dream come true, maybe she could learn to trust, be that girl mam is proud of, be an example to her younger ones… because she believed…. She had hope…  She had faith…  she’ll somehow find herself again…. 

But do you see her that way? Do you see her as a lost soul who can’t love anyone else but herself? Or do you see her as the most beautiful goodhearted, kind, generous, loving person you have ever come across? 

Do you see her as a lazy, fat, spoilt brat who has no respect for life. Or do you see her as a hardworking, sexy, down to earth, introverted lady, who loves life just the way it is. Tell me, what do you see?

Do you see her as the bad bitch who picks up fights in the club for sipping her drink or do you see her as the church girl… The pastor’s favorite youth leader? 

Do you see her jumping over the fence to go get just one puff from the boy next door or do you see her as an angel. An angel who all she can do is cuddle herself at night with a motivational book and a hot cup of tea… The only way she knows how to get high is by listening to her favorite gospel country hits.  

If you get to answer any of these, then, whatever you think of her.. That’s who she really is… Your biggest and worst nightmare, or the girl your mama warned you about, or the best friend you’d aactually catch a grenade for. 

What do you see??? 

Do not judge, what you see physically. Judge because you’ve known her since her childhood. Actually, do not judge at all… People do change in a blink of an eye. How you see her now is not how she will be tomorrow. 

HOW BIG IS BIG?

The big women/ladies/girls, embrace who you are, love yourself and show others how you want to be loved. .. But don’t get too comfortable. Now, my question is, how big, is big? 

So this is where the confusion comes in… But before that, do you know in a span of 11months, i have gained 10 kgs. I’m doing really really really bad. 

I’ve started struggling tying my shoe laces. Getting to forth floor is just a nightmare… Im so fed up of having to walk around with a body shaper. I can’t stand how tight they are and how i have to sit in an awkward position just to try hiding my big stomach and handles. 

As much as we plus size/full bodied women try to embrace who we are and how we look and how we don’t care if we occupy two seats in a mat, how big should we get to say now enough is enough? How long should we not watch what we eat to realize we already there?  How long should we not exercise  knowing that we could die of obesity, heart attacks and weird bone diseases? How long should it take us to realize we are not the same size we were last week or last month or last year?  How long is long enough? 

As for me, as much as i love myself with all the love handles, a ka kitambi,  and my grandma arms, i don’t think I’ll just sit,  eat as much junk as i can, drink soda etc just to prove to the world i support BBW. 

I am living healthy, i am jogging for hours, i am getting smaller.  You know why? Because i will get comfortable with my body when i aint panting when i get to the top floor; When im not struggling to tie my shoes and when i don’t get exhausted when i take a walk with her as we watch the sunset. 

I start a new page in my life. Getting fit. I am not getting too comfortable. 

WHAT IF!!..

They see me all quiet, smiley, happy and they think all is well. Well, they right but… How do i tell them? How do i tell them i am not okay? How do i tell them that i do not know what i want with my life anymore? How do i tell them i want to be left alone, and yet i dont know how to stay alone? How do i tell them that I’m sick and tired of them caring and worrying about me, yet if they don’t do it then it will be like i don’t mean anything to them…

How should i say that I want more to life than just home, school, my lover and just a few friends? How do i tell them life inside of me is being sucked. Im slowly loosing faith and hope and everything nice i once dreamt of.

What if i tell them and i turn out to be a disgrace just like the day they found out I’m different. What if i end up breaking another heart, what if the loyalty they once thought i held so dear turn out to be just pretence… What if!!!

Since I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere and the road in front of me seems so near and clear yet so far, and when i look to my back… Yes, i conquered all that. So why should i give up now… I can’t give up yet. I’m going to love her like im going to loose her… And I’m going to be loyal to the chosen few… And I’m going to work my butt off, success will be my first name…

And as it seems like I’ve hit the bridge and they laugh at me because I failed, i find reasons just to prove them wrong. I know to your eyes im just a fat couch potato, or a spoilt brat, or a loner, or a b***.

Just incase the devil thought he won, I’m so sorry. God never forgets His own…

Now, watch this space… I’m of course bigger and better and prettier of course.